Category Archives: Uncategorized

Do you ever on occasion find yourself wanting to tell someone to be quiet? Or to be a bit more blunt, do you sometimes just want to yell, “shut up!!” Don’t be too hard on yourself if you do because we live in a noisy world with a lot of people out there competing to be heard, myself included.

In preparing to put our house on the market recently we invited several real estate agents to interview for listing our home for sale. We only invited agents who we knew to be reputable, competent, and with a good track record for selling houses in our neighborhood. In other words, we knew they were good before they ever showed up. Nevertheless one by one each agent dutifully showed up at our doorstep armed with brochures about their real estate companies, biographies about themselves, and comparables of other homes for sale. Then sitting around our dining room table we listened as each one spoke impressively about how good he or she is and why we should hire them over the others. In the end they were all equally qualified, so how were we to decide which one to hire? It was easy. The winner was not the best talker, it was the best listener, the one who shut up and started asking questions about what WE wanted.

The first thing we’re taught in business is to have a good sales pitch, right? What we are not taught so much is that the real secret to winning business is ultimately not about the sales pitch, but how well we listen. Think about it, if we do indeed live in a noisy world where everyone is competing to be heard, does that not mean people are starved for someone to listen to them? So . . . listen to them – and you’ll be the winner.

Why, then, is listening so difficult? The answer is that listening requires humility, putting our own ego aside, and in our highly competitive world that’s a hard thing to do. It’s counter-cultural, certainly counter-competitive. Yet, “blessed are the meek,” Jesus says in the Beatitudes, “for they will inherit the earth.” (Matthew 5:5). The MEEK will inherit the earth! The humble – the listeners – will be the winners. What would happen, I wonder, if our leaders in Washington spent less time talking (about being right) and more time listening (to us and each other)? And not just them, but all of us? Wouldn’t we all become bigger winners?

Among the several obligatory family rituals each of our two sons had to endure when they were preparing to graduate from high school one was going out to dinner with their dad for a little one-on-one, father-son, man-to-man time. During each of those two occasions I asked both boys the same question: “What is it you want to be?” The first answer was not surprising, that is I want to be a lawyer or an architect, or . . . whatever the profession de jour might be. No, I explained each time, I’m not interested in what you think you want to DO in life, I want to know what you want to BE. Both appeared a bit puzzled at first, but finally after much thought each son eventually responded exactly the same way. Looking me in the eye they each said this: “I want to be a good person.”

Each of us at some point must make this same basic choice about how we will live out our lives. Do we consciously choose to be a good person – or not? Our two boys being at the threshold of leaving Mom and Dad’s supervision at the time were themselves facing this very critical decision. Thus my purpose in pressing the issue was to encourage them to say it out loud, for by saying it out loud it became a pledge – not to me but each to himself.

And why was that so important?

Martin Luther explained it this way: “Good works do not make a good [person], but a good [person] does good works; [likewise] evil works do not make a wicked [person], but a wicked [person] does evil works. Consequently it is always necessary that the person . . . be good before there can be any good works, and that good works follow and proceed from the good person.” Or as Jesus says in Matthew 7:17-18, “Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.”

I have no idea if either of our sons remembers that evening out with their dad or the question they were asked, nor does it matter. What I do know is that each one has kept the pledge he made to himself those many years ago the result of which is bearing much good fruit. I also know it is never too late for anyone to do the same.

“Be serious and frequent in the examination of your heart and life. . . . Every evening review your carriage through the day; what you have done or thought that was unbecoming your character. . . . Have a special care of two portions of time, namely, morning and evening; the morning to forethink what you have to do, and the evening to examine whether you have done what you ought. Let every action have reference to your whole life, and not to a part only. Let all your subordinate ends be suitable to the great end of your living. Exercise yourself unto godliness.” – John Wesley

Who have you known in your life that has come closest to practicing John Wesley’s discipline of reflecting each day in the morning about what you have to do, and again in the evening about how well you did it? For me I suspect my maternal grandmother – who I’ve mentioned numerous times in these articles – must have had such a discipline for she sure lived as if she did. She was as clear about the “great end” of her living as anyone I’ve ever known, which was loving God and loving other people. For her nothing else mattered much unless it pertained to that purpose. And I think because of that she was consistently one of the most joyful people I’ve ever known.

Too many of us I’m afraid either live in survival mode or at best we get up each day and simply respond to what comes our way, unclear of our true purpose or the “great end” of our living as Wesley referred to it. Why do you suppose Rick Warren’s The Purpose Driven Life became one of the most popular books in recent years? Could it have to do with that longing for clarity of purpose we all have? It’s nothing new, for as Warren reminds us, it “has puzzled people for thousands of years.” Why? “That’s because we typically begin at the wrong starting point . . .” he explains.

So what is the right starting point? It’s quite simple actually, revealed in the opening sentence of Rick Warren’s book. Here’s what he says: “It’s not about you.” That’s right, it’s not about ourselves. Instead it’s about loving God and loving other people as my grandmother did. It’s the secret to a joyful and purpose filled life, and it works for everyone – people of every race, creed, religious doctrine and life circumstance. It’s the “great end of your living”. Thus be serious and frequent in the examination of your heart.

Fourth of July; it reminds me of when I was a teenager my buddies and I used to drive around the courthouse square in the small town where we grew up and throw firecrackers out the car windows, a violation of local ordinance, daring the local law enforcement official (there was only one) to catch us, which he usually did. About the worst consequence we ever suffered was a verbal reprimand that went something like, “you boys aren’t suppose to be doing that.” We knew, of course, what we could get away with which after all was nothing more than a little teenage mischief, no real harm done.

What about real criminal acts, though, what causes people to do evil? I think it is my curiosity about that that has led me to become addicted to all the criminal investigation shows on television – all the CSI’s, NCIS’s, Criminal Minds, the Mentalist, Law and Order, the Closer, I watch them all. Why? Part of it is all the high-tech forensics they use in their investigations which is fascinating. Then too I enjoy cheering on the good guys to bring the bad guys to justice. But mostly I find these criminal investigation shows provide some insights about what causes people to do evil which usually has something to do with their being victims of evil themselves, or at least being deprived from experiencing goodness.

Unfortunately, the fiction we see on these shows represents a pretty accurate portrayal of real life, the solution to which falls on the shoulders of all of us, not just law enforcement professionals. And what is the solution? The Apostle Paul says, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21). But is it possible to overcome evil with good? The group of buddies I meet with every Tuesday morning think so; for we meet specifically for the purpose of holding each other accountable for living a rule of life that includes having a relationship with God, increasing our knowledge of God, and then doing acts of goodness that positively impact others – that overcome evil with good.

I do still engage in a little mischief from time to time, but mischief is all it is, no real harm done. What I aspire to mostly is following in the footsteps of my Tuesday morning buddies – and the Apostle Paul – who believe evil can be overcome with good. I think they’re right. I’ve seen the results of their actions.

During a recent interview with ABC News correspondent David Muir, First Lady Michelle Obama was asked this question: “What advice would you give to your girls when they fall in love?” After a brief pause the First Lady offered the following thoughtful response: “I would tell ALL young people,” she replied, “choose people who will lift you up. Find people who will make you better.”

At the time the interview was being played I have to admit I was only half listening as I had turned on the TV for noise as much as news if you know what I mean. But when I heard the First Lady’s response to that question she had my full attention; for her answer was so full of wisdom, and at several levels. I’ll mention three in particular.

First, and in direct response to the question, Mrs. Obama could not have been clearer in terms of what every parent would like to impress upon their children. When you fall in love make sure it is with someone who will make you a better person. Case in point, Tee and I will soon be celebrating our fortieth wedding anniversary and one of the primary reasons for our successful marriage is because through the years we have lifted each other up, and made each other better. We will both vouch for that.

Second, I have to applaud the First Lady for the way she carefully crafted her answer to include a broader array of relationships. That is to say, who we choose as friends and the crowds we hang out with will influence the kind of people we become. In short, as we’ve all heard, we should choose our friends carefully.

And third, hidden within Mrs. Obama’s response is a question each of us should ask ourselves. What role do we play in the lives of others? Do we lift them up? Are they better for being around us?

In summary, choose people who will lift you up. Find people who will make you better. Then ask yourself, will people choose me for the same reason? Great wisdom, not just for young people but for people of every age.