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The 1965 movie, “Shenandoah”, is about Charlie Anderson (played by Jimmy Stewart) who as a widower and family patriarch tries to protect his family and Virginia farm from becoming involved in the Civil War conflict.  One of the great scenes occurs when Sam, a young Confederate lieutenant, asks Charlie for his daughter Jennie’s hand in marriage.  The conversation goes something like this:  “Why?” Charlie asks, “Why do you want to marry her?”  “Because I love her,” Sam replies.  “I know that!” Charlie snaps back.  “That’s not good enough, Sam.  The question is, do you like her?”  There’s a pause as Sam is obviously puzzled by this unexpected question.  Impatient for an answer, Charlie yells out again.  “I just said, do you like her!  There’s a difference between love and like, you know . . .” 

Too often we think of love as simply a higher form of like.  In other words we think if we like someone enough our feelings might advance into the love category.  If that were the case, though, the human capacity for love would be very limited.  Liking someone means to take pleasure in their company, to enjoy being with them – no doubt an essential element in marriage as Jimmy Stewart tries to emphasize to his future son-in-law.  While it is probably true that we do love the people we like, love is not limited to that rather select group.  The human capacity for love, in fact, is infinitesimal.  It has no limits because it is a choice, an intentional decision rather than an emotional state.  Unlike liking someone which depends on the nature and behavior of the other person, when we choose to love it is without regard to another’s nature or behavior.  Love is patient and kind.  It means not being rude or self-seeking.  It protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.  Love never fails to improve relationships in some way, nor does it ever fail to make the world a better place.  

There is a difference between love and like, you know . . . . for love is much more than a higher form of like.  It is a higher form of life.

(reprint from the archives, February 19, 2007) 

Our lives are never without purpose.  It may vary somewhat from day to day or season to season, but we always have a purpose.  The trick is to recognize, as Rick Warren expresses so well in the opening line of his astoundingly successful book, that “It’s not about you” . . . or me.  Our purpose, in other words, is always about others – never about ourselves. 

My grandmother while in her mid-nineties, infirmed from old age, continued to have purpose in her life – a reason to wake up every morning.  She knew that her children and grandchildren still needed her.  Though unable to remain physically active as she had been all her life, she continued to inspire those around her with her wisdom, courage, and spirit.  Her life had profound purpose – and, just as it had always been, it was about others, not herself. 

Then there are people like Adam.  What in the world could his purpose be?  A complete invalid since birth, Adam could do nothing for himself – bathe, dress, eat, shave, brush his teeth, walk, talk, or go to the bathroom.  Why then did Henri Nouwen describe Adam not only as a friend, but also as his mentor and guide?  The famous author, lecturer, teacher and priest who in his last years served as Adam’s caregiver, learned from Adam about presence, about giving and receiving from one another, and about compassion and care.  Did Adam’s life have purpose?  Absolutely!  It was not about himself, though; rather it was about Henri. 

If my grandmother, aged and infirmed as she was, had purpose in her life to the very end, and if Adam, a total invalid unable to do anything for himself, had purpose, then what about you and me?  The answer is, of course, that every life has purpose, but we must look beyond ourselves to know what it is.

I met a man the other day whose sunny manner seemed to say
That he had found the happy way.
I asked the secret of his smile, and he answered somewhat in this style:
Six things have I that spell content, six things that mean a life well spent,
That makes for an accomplishment.
A peaceful mind, a grateful heart, a love for all that’s true,
A helpful hand, real tolerance, and lots of things to do.
– “The Way to Happiness”, by G.W. Grafflin

Because the cover of the small spiral notebook is dark brown it is hard to read the handwritten words across the top, but if examined closely you can make it out, “Good and Tried Recipes”. Inside on every single page, almost every line in fact, in the same handwriting are delicious recipes of every sort from salads to sweets, except for the last two pages on which each recipe is carefully listed into a numbered index. There are forty-three of them to be exact – breads, rice dishes, cookies, pies, meatloaf, you name it. Among them, though, one stands out. Listed as number one in the index it is the little poem you just read appearing on the very first page just inside the front cover. In the index she calls it the “Recipe for Happiness”.

The neat little handwritten recipe book was the handiwork of my great Aunt Jenny, my grandmother’s older sister and only sibling. Aunt Jenny was a constant in our family, living next door to my grandmother until my grandfather’s death after which they moved in together. Actually her name was Janie not Jenny, Janie Boyle to be exact, and was respectfully addressed as Miss Janie by the local citizens and the children where she taught elementary school for over fifty years. But we in the family knew her affectionately as Aunt Jenny.

That little brown spiral notebook, one of my most cherished possessions, represents a perfect summary of Aunt Jenny’s life – meticulous, organized, frugal, and an excellent cook as you might expect. She loved to learn as much as she loved to teach, was an avid reader, a consummate student of the world and of life, and a person of strong convictions and deep faith. Although she appeared serious most of the time she actually had a rather dry sense of humor, knowing when and how to laugh about life. Mostly, though, Aunt Jenny understood the “Recipe for Happiness” and lived her life by its exact formula – “a peaceful mind, a grateful heart, a love for all that’s true, a helpful hand, real tolerance, and lots of things to do”. It is a “good and tried recipe” as she labels it, and perhaps the best lesson she ever taught.

In 1998 the Harvard Business Review published an article by Daniel Goleman entitled “What Makes a Leader?” about applying the concept of “emotional intelligence” within the context of leadership, a term created by Goleman in a book he published by the same name.  According to Goleman emotional intelligence “refers to the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others.”  Thus, according to the article, when emotional intelligence – the awareness of one’s own feelings and those of others – is consciously applied in leadership situations it can be a highly effective tool in guiding one’s decisions and actions.

Recently I heard a man speak about his experiences as an undercover police officer for the Los Angeles Police Department where he served for twenty years.  As he explained, awareness of one’s surroundings is critical for a cop, and not only observing what physically exists around you but also analyzing the potential of what might occur.  A group of children playing soccer in a park, for example, creates the potential of the ball rolling into the street and the danger of a child chasing after it.  Now in a high level leadership position – unrelated to law enforcement – he considers this keen sense of awareness he developed through his experience and training as a cop as being crucial in his effectiveness as a corporate leader by making him more aware of others’ feelings as well as his own.    

I don’t know about you, but the extent of my own exposure to undercover police work is limited to the shows I’ve watched on television.  Yet, anyone who has experienced raising children knows what it means to be a cop.  And not all of us become high level corporate executives, political or organizational leaders, but at the very least we all serve in leadership capacities within our families and at times in our neighborhoods and communities.  If we think about it, seldom are our decisions and actions in these rolls guided strictly by some technical expertise we may possess – almost never in fact in parenting.  Rather it is our capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others; it is the application of our emotional intelligence that guides our decisions and actions.  Awareness is critical for a cop, as the man explained.  Indeed it is critical in all we do.

There’s an old legend about a man who had settled and founded a small village and grew to be its elder statesman.  It was there that he had raised four fine sons, and toward the end of his life he called them all together to hand over the responsibilities for the village.  To the oldest son he granted guardianship over the life and work of the community that the business and economic environment would continue to provide opportunities for its citizens to work and prosper.  The second son he appointed as guardian for education so the children would grow in the love of learning and knowledge thus preparing them for life and leadership.  The third son he named guardian of worship, ensuring each and every person the freedom and opportunity to practice religion in his or her chosen way.  And to the youngest he made guardian of play and recreation so that the fruits of life might be enjoyed in abundance. . . . Thus the man’s work would be carried on by his sons. 

This story reminds us of how in any generation, any society or any culture, mankind has been created to live – that is, not in isolation but in community.   And for any community to flourish it must provide these four elements – work, education, worship, and play.  For it is work that humans were made to do.  And to teach and learn, that is to increase in knowledge is how humans progress.  Worship is a necessary recognition of man’s own limitations, and the acknowledgement of gratitude toward that Greater Power who provides our blessings and shares our burdens, reminding us that life existed before us and perpetuates beyond us.  Finally, it is play that binds us together both through nature and with one another, allowing us to enjoy the pleasures in this life and the many fruits it produces. 

The tale of the man and his four sons is only folklore, of course, but its truths are of real life; for the man who was founder of the village and became its elder statesman represents the Creator.  And as for his four sons who he appointed to be guardians of the village?  They would be us.