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If you were to name three people in your life who influenced you the most by their consistent example, who would they be? Here’s mine:

The first was my maternal grandmother, probably the godliest person I’ve ever known, and consistently the happiest and most positive. She saw good in everyone she met, especially children and youth. Her mission in life was to encourage them to develop that goodness, and I happened to be one of the recipients of her consummate encouragement.

Then there was the pastor of our church when I was in high school. What a special gift he had for using humor and wit to connect with people, young and old, and through that leading them closer to God. Once, though, he shared with some of us how at a young age he had left home to join the Navy in an attempt to run away from God. No good came of that as he got caught up gambling, drinking, and getting in fights. I ran away from God, too, eventually and in my own way. But it was my former pastor’s ever present influence that kept nagging at me to return – as he had done – which sooner or later I did.

Finally, my junior high school principle and teacher. He could handle any kid in any classroom in any situation, stern enough to command order and respect yet laced with just enough humor that you had to love him. And everyone did! He was my friend, mentor and advisor for years, long after I was grown and left home, and except for an untimely death might still be. He was the most non-judgmental listener I’ve ever known.

I’ve had other great role models, but these are the three who always come to mind first, and although each one influenced me in a different way they all had one thing in common – they were the real deal, and they walked the walk.

So, as you ponder the three people who influenced you the most here’s a challenge for you – and for me. Suppose we turn the question around this way: On how many other people’s lists would your name (or mine) appear if they were asked the same question? Are you the real deal, do you walk the walk? Am I, do I? Spend some time in front of the mirror this week thinking about that one!

“Our destiny is determined by choice, not chance.” – Unknown

There are certain parts of our background and makeup over which we have no control. We were never consulted, for instance, about who our parents would be, the color of our hair (or in my case, the lack of it), our height, nationality, or shoe size. These were determined totally without our say so, the result of which may cause us to be tempted to think of ourselves as mere victims of circumstance. Not so; for each of us has the ability to make choices about how we play the cards we’ve been dealt, and even in spite of the cards we’ve been dealt. In other words, our destiny is determined by choice, not chance.

In a previous Abundant Living (Vol. VIII, Issue 28) I made reference to Jim Collin’s newest book, Great by Choice. Admittedly, what attracted me to read this book in the first place was the title itself which seems to summarize the very point Collins is getting to, that people and organizations do not become great by simply making a choice to do so; rather people and companies become great by making good choices along the way.

If you have been following the Olympics recently there is story after story that demonstrates this. One of my favorites is about twenty-one-year-old Brigetta Barrett who won the silver medal in women’s high jump. As a teenager Brigetta left her home in New York and with her mother’s blessing moved to Texas to live with relatives where she would be in a better environment to pursue her dreams in sports and music. There she encountered a track coach who recognized her talent and challenged her to become the best she could be, and in doing so became an Olympic star. Would this have happened had she left her destiny to chance? No, Brigetta got to where she is by making great choices.

To be created in the image of God is to be empowered to choose. Thus each of us has the power and freedom to make decisions – good or bad, wise or foolish – the results from which will determine our destiny. So we must choose carefully – and it’s never too late – for our very life and happiness are at stake.

“. . . be quick to listen, slow to speak . . .” (from) James 1:19

When we decided to put our house on the market early last summer we interviewed several real estate professionals before choosing a listing agent. Each person we interviewed came highly recommended by people we knew and trusted, and had extensive experience selling homes in our neighborhood. One by one they sat at our dining room table with their slick marketing brochures offering their best sales pitches in an effort to convince us they would be our best choice. All, I must say, were impressive, highly qualified and professional. So, how did we narrow the list down to one? Simple! It was the one who listened – the one who wanted to know more about us, our hopes, dreams and desires, and quite frankly where we planned to move. The others never even asked. But guess what? We were not just selling, but also planning to buy, so we needed an agent for that as well. So in our case it paid to listen – literally, in real dollars.

It’s a noisy world out there. People are starved for someone to listen. Walk down a busy sidewalk or around a shopping mall and notice how many people have cell phones in their ear. Eavesdrop a little closer and notice how many are talking instead of listening. Most sales people, as our real estate experience demonstrates, are trained to talk, to present, to sell. Few, though, have been trained in the art of listening. Not just sales people, though, indeed most of us would benefit from some lessons in listening.

What is referred to as “active listening” is one of the key core competencies identified by the International Coach Federation as critical to effective coaching, so much so that one of the requirements for credentialing is to clearly demonstrate one’s proficiency at listening in order to pass the oral exam. How, though, does one demonstrate such a skill? Isn’t listening a passive activity? Hardly! One way, for example, is by asking questions that not only affirm what the other party is saying, but doing so with a genuine sense of curiosity. And isn’t that what we all long for, for someone to take a genuine interest in what we are saying, to feel that someone really cares? I am convinced that in this noisy world an authentic listening ear is one of the greatest gifts one human being can offer another. And it can pay off in business as well – just ask our real estate agent.

Do you find yourself suffering from the summer doldrums around this time of year? I do if I’m not careful, and to make matters worse I find myself much more susceptible as I’ve gotten older having become much less tolerant of the extreme Texas summer heat than I once was. For most of my life it had little impact, I could work or exercise outside in the middle of the day without giving it much thought. Nowadays, though, it seems that not only do I slow down, but everything else does as well. Business slows to a crawl, clients are out of town (someplace cool no doubt), and no one wants to do much of anything. It’s the season of the doldrums, and if I allow myself to get too caught up in it I begin to feel idle and unproductive. Does that happen to you?

No wonder, for from the very beginning of creation we were commanded by God to be productive – “. . . and God said unto them, be fruitful, and multiply . . .” (Genesis 1:28) In other words from our very origin we were designed to do work. So, if we find ourselves in a place where we are not “doing” we can get in a funk pretty quickly.

Work comes in different forms, though, and how and what we produce can evolve as we grow in our careers or grow older in our lives. Tee and I both had grandparents who lived well into their nineties, and all complained from time to time of feeling unproductive. Old age had sapped them of much of their energy and physical abilities like the summer heat, yet for us they remained invaluable sources of wisdom, encouragement and hope. They were in fact extremely productive, you see, but in a different way than even they were able to recognize. Similarly, career growth sometimes requires us to relinquish to others some of the “doing”. Instead our job is to mentor and provide wisdom and encouragement. It is still productive work, but in a different way.

I know I will never be able to tolerate the heat the way I once did, but neither should I allow myself to suffer from the summer doldrums. For me there is much work to be done. People still need ideas, motivation, encouragement and hope, and even if I’m not “doing” I can use the time to prepare and hone my skills. What about you, what are you doing to prevent yourself from being infected by the doldrums?

This past week millions of people who have been impacted by the writings, teachings, and private consultations of Stephen Covey mourned his passing. Best known for his widely acclaimed and ever popular best-selling book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey has had enormous influence on the development and growth of my profession of executive coaching, not to mention the influence he has had on me personally. While it is impossible to summarize this comprehensive piece of work in such a brief message I would at the very least like to make three observations about the title itself and what it means to me:

1. Effective: Effective is a term I use daily with clients. In my mind it is the primary goal of coaching, to move clients toward a higher level of effectiveness, and I am blunt in communicating that with them. Too often clients believe they need to change who they are to become more effective. An introvert, for example, thinks he should become more sociable. No, I will say, your nature is to be introverted and there is nothing wrong with that. Instead, let us discover habits you can form to be more “effective” without disrupting who you naturally are.
2. Habits: Covey defines habit “as the intersection of knowledge, skill and desire.” Knowledge, he explains, is “the what to do . . . skill is the how to do . . . [and] desire is the motivation, the want to do. In order to make something a habit in our lives,” he explains, “we have to have all three.” Forming the right habits is the “how to” to higher effectiveness.
3. Seven Habits: The “seven habits” are the principles followed by those most highly effective in their lives according to Covey’s observations. They are to (1) be proactive, (2) begin with the end in mind, (3) put first things first, (4) think win / win, (5) seek first to understand . . . then to be understood, (6) synergize, and (7) sharpen the saw. I leave it to you – urge you in fact – to read (or re-read) the book as the case may be for a deeper understanding of the “habits”.

Thank you Stephen Covey for your contributions in helping us become more effective, and for inspiring those of us in our profession to help move others toward higher levels of effectiveness. May your work thrive for generations to come.